My son turns one year old today, and I have to admit I am so much more emotional about it than I thought I would be. I’ve heard the phrase, “The days are long, but the years are short,” regarding parenthood so many times now, and although I’m only one year in, I certainly feel like it’s true.
I wish I could go back in time to tell myself a year ago how beautiful and amazing this year was going to be. When Camden was born I was scared, anxious, and had no idea what I was doing. But we figured each other out over time, found our groove, and got through the tough times. I look back on this past year and just feel so incredibly proud of myself, of my husband, and of our whole family and support system.
When you’re a parent-to-be, it seems like the barrage of “You’ll never sleep again,” “You’ll never have free time again,” and “You’ll never have money to spend on yourself again,” never ends. The newborn phase ends, a baby learns how to sleep longer, and you hunker down and get through it until then. It was hard to believe it was ever going to happen when I was so anxious at the beginning, but it gets easier and more and more fun as time goes on.
I have never laughed more. I have never loved deeper.
I have never felt such purpose in my life.
I’ve never been skydiving, but I feel like maybe the first year of parenting could be likened to it: it’s scary, but you just have to “jump;” then you feel like you’re in freefall as you figure out your new routine, your new life; and finally once you have a handle on things and have figured your baby out, you pull your parachute and just cruise and enjoy the beauty around you.
Growing up I never necessarily felt “called” to be a mother as some women do. I knew I wanted children, but it was always a vague concept I couldn’t totally wrap my head around. Even while pregnant, I knew our lives were about to change drastically, but I just couldn’t totally grasp how. I could never have imagined how becoming a mother has absolutely transformed me - some people say to be careful not to lose yourself in parenthood, but for me I think it has been the thing that’s made me truly find myself.
Motherhood has made me feel so comfortable with myself. My confidence in knowing I am doing my best and being the best mother I can be for him has allowed me to be more confident in other areas of my life. I feel more self-assured and stand up for myself much more than I did before. I have made taking care of myself and my mental health more of a priority so I can be the best version of myself for him, because it’s what he deserves. The beautiful, deep love I feel for him seems to have cracked my heart open and made me feel the love I have for others in my life more deeply, too. I have always been close with my parents, for example, but this experience especially has made me love and understand them even more - the feeling of, “Oh yeah, this must be how you feel about me, too.”
We may not have much free time or time to ourselves anymore, but the time we spend together as a family always feels so refreshing and like a recharge. Sometimes when I’m sitting and playing with Cam I will think, “What did I ever do to pass the time before?” I truly can’t imagine my life without him, even though I went almost thirty years before meeting him. He has filled a space in my heart that I didn’t even know was empty and made me feel whole.
My favorite part of being a mother has just been watching him grow and change and learn new things. It’s absolutely amazing that at this time last year, he was just this tiny little being that pretty much only ate and slept and needed us to do everything for him, and now he’s moving around and about to be able to walk, feeding himself, grabbing the toys he wants and sometimes playing independently, and even has his own little personality. Seeing the world unfold before his eyes almost feels like experiencing it myself for the first time. It really makes you appreciate things more - when you see things through the eyes of your child, it makes you slow down and see the beauty in everything. He loves looking at plants and animals, and his favorite thing is watching the cars drive down our street and saying, “Vroom vroom!” to each one. Now when I see some mundane thing I might have taken for granted before, I think, “Cam would love this.”
I may not have felt like being a mother was my life’s calling when I was younger, but now I feel like I was certainly meant to be his mom.
I know there’s plenty more adventure and challenge coming up for us, but for now, this one year milestone gives me a feeling of, “We did it.”
